The Eighth Wonder

It's now the fourth night in my white room, 

Because a friend asked me to write about her,

She is like the eighth wonder like no other, 

I can still replay the scene in my head, 

On the day when we both first met, 

Your long hair covering your cheeks,

Your eyes, smile and voice, so meek,

You're like a celestial being shined forth,

If I stared any longer..my soul would go soft,

What more to say to touch your hand?

I think I'd sink quickly into the quicksand, 

My heart would burst into fireworks,

My spirit..be lifted up from the earth,

And my mind doubting my own worth.

I should stop here before my feelings grow strong, 

I might dream of you and if I do it would be long, 

So here ends my poem about her, 

Perhaps one day I'd write another,

When I'm done painting my white room. 

The One

A faint clap of thunder, clouded skies, perhaps rain comes. 

If so, will you stay here with me? 

A faint clap of thunder, even if rains comes not, 

I will stay here together with you, even in death, 

In the last house on the left.

While the sun sets in awhile more, 

Let us cuddle together from the silver pour, 

Here take my sweater which my mother once wore, 

And could you tell me a bedtime lore?

Perhaps, but while we're still in between dusk & dawn, 

Should we play together at the see-saw before I'm gone? 

Or we can spook the little ones who are still up late at night, 

Even with the lights on, a good fright they shall have from left to right.

A spark of light approaches, twilight skies, surely dawn comes,

Dearest, will you stay here with me? 

A spark of light, even if it scorches, 

Yes, I will still stay here together with you, 

Even in the deepest ocean, I will bring you the horizon, 

You are my potion, my emotion for you will never be frozen.

Thank you dearest, whilst here comes the shining,
I find myself slowly fading, 

We'll surely meet again by the well before spring.

Tell me, a soft kiss of flakes, cold skies, winter is coming,
If so, will you still go out with me?

A soft kiss of flakes, even if winter comes not,

Trust me, I will find you, you're all that I've got. 

The Dreaming

Do you know that you laugh a lot?
And every time you do, time just stops,
Like right now, my heart just went 'pop'.

You can't hear it now, that's okay,
But you're really taking my breath away,
What sorcery are you using that got me swayed?
Is this the day and the way?
God knows, and only you have the say.

That was what I said to her in my dream,
Hello darkness, my old friend,

How have you been?

Don't misunderstand for being buried in the sand,
You know I'd still visit you when the moon rings,
Without having you to guide me with your hand.

Normally, people won't dare to step into the darkness,
But I, the odd one out, love walking in nothingness,
When crickets sing softly with the silence,
And where the wind and leaves collide,
Truly, a paradise for introverts to hide.

However, the state of being nocturnal,
Can prove to be detrimental,
For an illusion can become plural,
Then eventually becoming sempiternal.

But I shall fear no evil,
Even through the darkest valley,
The falling petals will guide me,
And the shepherd refreshes my soul,
Beside quiet waters calming my woes,
And lying down in green pastures,
Instead of having my feelings tortured.

Dusk has gone, here comes dawn,
I'm sorry but I must take my leave now,
No need to show me the door, I know how,
I appreciate your company,
However, I have to go back to my reality,

I'm not sure when will we meet again,

Maybe next time when I'm in pain,

Or perhaps singing in the rain,
But just remember my name,
So you'd always be a part of my sane.

Here I am again looking at you laughing,
No longer dreaming, time's not stopping,
Only you and your smile are all I'm seeing,
Although you're unreachable, that's okay,
Maybe it's better this way,
And that's good enough to make my day.

Hey, I'll be okay (that's what I'd say).

And that was how I never met her

Foreword

When I was in secondary school, I remembered one of my English optional essays titled "...and that was how I met her.". That sentence must be the ending sentence of the essay, as much as I wanted to write it but it would take me too long as I could write in into a novel.

So no, the title has absolutely nothing to do with the popular drama series How I Met Your Mother.

Some weeks later, I then posted my blog post of the same title in Friendster.com which has disappeared due to the  revamping of the site. It was about my first love that never came to be, but at the same time she became one of my closest friends, she was "The Sun" to me. I'm sorry I cannot not share it with you all, but maybe someday I will rewrite it again...in 3D (LOL GEDDIT?)

Anyway, thinking back on one of my past love life. It kinda inspired me to write this story, I actually did an old post about this before four years ago, but I want to republish it again because the last time I did was kinda incomplete, and I think this is my greatest story (yet) to tell too. This will be an extremely long post of course. Ladies, gents, I present you my silly love story...

Chapter 1 - The Cherry Tree

Throughout my university life, I've always felt that God always put me in a box with diff girls every single semester on purpose. I've met a lot of attractive ones, a few potential ones, and complicated ones. All of them have one thing in common, which is eventually we all went our separate ways. The could-haves and all that jazz, you know how it goes.

Now now, I'm not trying to say like I'm desperate for a girlfriend. I'd say I'm a pretty reserved guy, I'm not attracted to girls who's the prettiest of them all, I will never make a move unless if I piqued an interest, I don't date for fun either, until that one fateful day I happened to stumble upon a "cherry tree".

It all started when my right hand ninja Jon (I call him right hand ninja because he always disappears every semester) called me up when I was doing my internship during Feb 2012, we caught up with each other and update ourselves on what has been happening in our lives. The same old same old I said, and to my delight he told me he was coming back to Miri for good since his uncle has offered him a job.

It was also then that he thought of introducing me a girl who happens to be a gamer too, a good friend of his of 5 years, she was also coming to Miri with him too for travelling. At first I didn't think much about it, since she was a total stranger to me so we didn't really talk much about her.

Fast forward until the end of February, when I was finally done with my practical it was only a week left till the new semester. I caught up with Jon again and he asked that if I wanted to have a chat with that gamer chick friend of his, since I was so free I thought..."Hey...why not?". And off we go...

So we got into a FB group chat and started introducing ourselves, and Jon being a ninja disappeared as usual leaving the two of us alone. Luckily there weren't any awkward moments of not knowing what to talk about with each other, since she was a gamer chick we quickly talked about games. And this happened...

We both play StarCraft...and prefer Brood War to SC2.

It's an amazing thing because Brood War is

the most difficult game to play competitively,

and a girl playing that? GTFO

I felt a cupid arrow just struck my heart. Now not only that part was amazing, we continued to talk about our hobbies and other stuff to find out if we have any more things in common. And what do you know...we have tons of similar things that we both enjoy doing. Here's a list.

• Methodist (✓)
• Linkin Park (fav album Hybrid Theory) (✓)
• Rock songs (✓)
• Eminem (✓)
• Musician (diff instruments though) (✓)
• Reading manga (✓)
• Watching anime (✓)
• Staying at home when there's nothing going on (✓)
• Big Bang Theory (✓)
• South Park (✓)
• How I Met Your Mother (✓)
• StarCraft Brood War (Zerg) (✓)
• Diablo (✓)
• Left 4 Dead (Spitter) (✓)
• Pokemon (✓)
• Football (though basketball is her preferred sport) (✓)
• Jogging (✓)
• Similar favourite numbers (17 and 23) (✓)
• and many others...

That stranger-zone quickly changed to wow-I-just-met-a-pretty-cool-person! zone, so anything that you guys and girls know what I like, she likes them too. Heck, she was basically my clone...

I felt she was my other half.

After the first conversation with her, I knew then what I had to do. I must have her.

From that day, we would chat with each other almost every night. Heck we already called each other names, she calls me bel bel like how any of my close galfriends (very diff from girlfriends!) and family do, and I call her Cherry (because her name starts with C and to protect her identity, hence the Cherry Tree). Both of us have sacrificed our sleep and chatted till dawn (and now you know why, mum lol), oh did I mention that both Jon and Cherry then were still in New Zealand? That means the hour diff is 5 hours apart.

But Abel, what the heck were you two chatting about every night? Well, you know the basics. Just telling each other about myself and her life too. She even finished reading my whole blog! I thought to myself maybe this time...that she was the one. One more time, one more chance.

Chatting with Cherry always made me excited, the excitement of looking forward to chat with her every single night without fail. A perfect analogy of this, is like I was like a kid waiting for the ice cream man to pass by my house every afternoon. Heck, I even downloaded back some of the classic love songs from the 90's. Backstreet Boys, N Sync, Savage Garden and many others, all because of her.

It's not uncommon for backpackers to know how much of a hassle is to prepare some documents for travelling, especially if it's for staying about a few weeks. And it's also common for government offices to be slow on that, so I was patient. We started chatting less too, mostly because we were kinda busy with our own stuff. Lots of complicated things happened during their travels too, I'm pretty sure you know how it feels like to wait for someone you love to arrive, it was frustrating at times, and this went on for three months.

Furthermore, her birthday was also coming in early May, and like any lovefool would do I knew I had to do something about it. But with all the delays and shit, I was squeezing my brain juice out on what to do. And I decided to do something that I've never done before, play a song acoustic over Skype for her.

Too bad the line reception was terrible (Miri and Melbourne lol), but that didn't stop me. So I went ahead and did a video recording on myself playing "You and Me" by Lifehouse for her on YouTube (it's set to private, haha). It was an all or nothing situation, I didn't really have anything to lose. And according to Jon, it was the best birthday gift that anyone has given her (that time). Boo yah, totally worth it :3

When they finally reached KL in mid May, that was also the most busiest month in the semester for Curtin students. Like any romance movie, things seems to get worse when time goes by. Because Cherry was carrying a Myanmar passport (haha, you thought she was Malaysian didn't you?), her stay in the country was only two months until she can find an internship for dentistry; only when she can find one then only her live can be extended to two years. Time was running out for both her and I.

In the month of May-hem (see what I did there? hehe), when they were supposed to come to Miri but amazingly, for two times in row their flights were delayed because of Cherry. The first delay was because of her sudden out of nowhere job interview request so she had to stay back (last min checking), this action has affected both Jon and I, for Jon because he was already late for his job and had to delay it again to look after Cherry, for me...all my plans to bring her out, the short holiday to KK and the confession day were all ruined.

The second delay was more jaw-dropping, because she was carrying a Myanmar passport she wasn't allowed to simply to fly anywhere as she wished, as Myanmar is not recognized as a commonwealth country by Malaysia. This problem would have been solved if she carried a NZ passport, but she didn't change it due to her parents' wishes. So she has to apply the visa visitation to come to the east, but...knowing the gov working habit..the process could take weeks.

I was losing it then, never in my life that a girl like her made me this angry. I was really feeling on the edge, I even had some small arguments with Jon of his slow reply regarding Cherry's status (since she was so busy with the interviews and reports, oh and of course, her almost daily girls night out with Jon's ex gf). I felt that at that time...God has really been pushing me to my limits as far as possible, I know God was indeed testing me and nurturing my willpower and patience. But the anger...the darkness clouded my understanding, got pretty emo and wrote a poem about it haha.

The time was around June then, since I was already on my holiday, I decided that I could just fly to KL and have some short holiday. I wanted to show her how committed I am and show her that I was really serious about her, so it was then Jon and I planned out the blueprint. It took us about a week to get ready, and I had to do was wait for Jon to come to Miri to start working on his job and me flying over to KL to look after her. It's like a switch you see, since he offered my flight tix, I can only wait on him to get ready to go back to Miri to work.

"It's time" Jon said. Finally, I thought, the day has come for me to meet her. It was on Monday night then before they went out for dinner at approximately 8-9pm, and Jon told me he would tell me the flight details later. So I did my thing, played the whole Diablo 3 campaign the whole night till early dawn. I was able to finish the game because I was waiting for him to return for details, but he never showed up. I thought like ..."hmm maybe they're tired" and so I went to bed too.

And then finally...finally...FINALLY...oh wait, he never showed up for months.

For the first few days after his "disappearance", I was actually worried of what might have happened to them. My scumbag brain was playing all the possible scenarios on what could have happened to them, you know the paranoia that I'm talking about right? Jon just literally disappeared like a true ninja from going online, FB, Whatsapp, Hamachi, Skype...basically, I tried all kinds of communication tools to contact him but to no avail. I also couldn't see him online at all in Whatsapp after a few days (I didn't know that it meant that he was blocking me then).Then thx to my awesome superb memory, I remembered that he used to call me by using his ex's bro's phone and I still have it in my memory phone card. So I quickly gave a call...

Du... du...

du... duu...

duu... du...

"Hello?"

"Hi, is jon there?"

"Jon? Oh he's still in NZ"

I thought I heard it wrongly, and I asked again, and again he confirmed it with me twice. What the heck was going on?

I took the investigation further, and the bro was kind enough to give me his sister's number. I dialed and send SMSs to her number and there were no responses...

Now think of this scenario, imagine I was on a tree. And I was on a branch that was going to break, and if it breaks, I'm gonna get hurt really, really, bad.

When I got her msg from Whatsapp, shockingly, she told me a different story which was Jon was already back in Miri a few days ago and just landed in KL.

...really?

Much like Jon disappearing, she also disappeared when I asked about Cherry. Never again to hear from them until today...

Until I saw Jon online in Skype after a week or so, I messaged him again asking him what was going on and where was he, I waited for his reply for a few minutes...then he went offline ignoring me again.

*snap*

So back to the tree scenario, I suddenly saw myself sky-diving down through the branches and leaves, with the thorns scratching through my skin and a berzillion questions ran through my mind, why, how, when, what, why, why, why, why, why, why, why...my thoughts ran so deep that even after I fell hard on the ground, I didn't feel anything.

I became numb...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........

..........

...........

............

Can't believe it's the third time

I have fallen from such a high spot.

............

...........

.........

Looking up from below, I then realize there is actually another

character that my friend forgot to mention in his apple tree story...

........

.......

......

.....

....

The lumberjack.

Chapter II - To Dazzling Darkness

Everyone has something that haunts them. It comes in various forms, maybe it can be your past failures, or the break-up, or someone abusive to you. I've never really understood the feeling of being haunted by your past, despite the many movies portrayal of it.

But I think I kinda understand it now, this was after a few months after her disappearance.

At this point, you guise are probably saying that I actually got trolled or scammed for 3 months or she was just a fake. Maybe, yes, no, I don't know. But I don't believe my best friend would actually do such a cruel thing for so long; because that'd be too far (his disappearance was immature but forgiven nonetheless), I didn't lose any money too nor was I introduced to some fishy websites. I believed that our feelings for each other were genuine and real, regardless of what you think. Besides, the last time I checked, she blocked me in FB too.

So anyway one night, she conveniently appeared online in MSN and started asking me about what was going on and stuff, being confused and all that jazz. Why? Well, you see. The thing is I posted this very same blog post calling them out after one month, what you're reading now is a revised version as mentioned at the very top.

We argued, of course, she said a lot of mean things to me, which hurt me a lot. But seriously, to be left out in the dark just like that without any explanation, how am I suppose to know what happened? I'm not the type of person who sits by and do nothing. So after that heated conversation, we just stopped contacting each other. She would appear online from time to time, but I didn't bother with her anymore. Everything was damaged, my heart and soul.

Fast forward until Malaysia's National Day, she actually started a conversation with me again. We started off casually, she finally found an internship in Penang and kinda lost contact with Jon too. Then we started arguing again (lol) when she mentioned about the situation between he and I. The ridiculous part was, even though she said she was not on anyone's side she still called me mean names and defending him. Even promising him not to tell me what actually happened. Gosh, not sure that she realized that by doing so that makes him more suspicious.

You know how it feels like right? The rage and anger, just wanting to punch through the computer screen. Luckily I suggested that we stop or else things could have gotten worst, so we did and cooled down. We changed the topic to something out of the blue. Well, actually about the both us.

"I do liked you belbel." she said.

At that moment, I did a victory fist pump pose. But I  wasn't sure if she meant back then or still do. I mean c'mon, read that sentence. It's past tense. Or...just bad grammar, which I never corrected her.

"Lets start over again, without him being the third person." she added.

My heart was happy, anyone would have been happy to read that from their love interest. But my mind screamed "No! It's a trap!". Ah, the conflicting moment when the heart is against the mind.

And I couldn't resist, starting over was promising. How many times do we get a second chance like this? We continued to chat for the next 3 days although it wasn't the same as we did like before, the fire just wasn't burning passionately anymore. It has been extinguished for too long, and so has she.

When I said so has she, I mean that she frigging disappeared again (although she did say her line was poor to begin with). I would login to MSN every single day for a month in hope just for her to online even if it was just a minute, but alas...she never appeared online again until maybe around November I think. And during that quiet period, being the imperfect impatient person that I was at the breaking point (again), I decided that I had enough of it. So I stopped going to MSN, and deleted her picture. I thought for sure, maybe this way I could get rid of being haunted.

I thought.

Another month went by, I finished my university life. After I walked out of the exam room. For some reason, I felt like walking around the campus (it was night time then). I plugged in my earphones and walked around, reminiscing the memories I had then. Smiling to myself like an idiot haha. And then when I reached to my ending walking point. I looked up at the black sky and said...

"Damn...what a starless night."

I've never felt so lonely and haunted before in my life.

That was also when I realize, the only reason why people continue to get haunted by their past is not because it is always knocking on their door. But rather because they're still clinging to it and refusing it to let go. To quote Harley from Paramore, "Why do we like to hurt so much?"

And deleting her picture didn't mean that I have let her go, not even the slightest. It actually meant that I couldn't accept the reality and pain that was sitting on my shoulders. I talked about this with a friend too, and he said something profound.

"Keep it ba." he said.

"It's a lesson, face it and let the pain vanish itself." he added.

At that moment, I quickly shuffled through my media file. I thought I had deleted all traces of her, and I found them from my social app history. I slowly retrieved them one by one and kept it in my digital pandora box. I also got back to MSN occasionally too, although it seems kinda useless now with Facebook and social apps around lol

Until she came back online again, that is. And she finally told me the truth of the disappearance.

The truth was when Jon told me to get ready to fly to KL, she pleaded him from doing so. Why? Because she was afraid of disappointing me if I made a trip there, as she was not ready for a relationship. Jon didn't know what to do either, so they did what they do best, running away. And he actually thought it was ok. Ha!

After hearing the truth, though, I forgave them for their immature decision. I couldn't stay mad at them forever. I also asked her who was I to her, to which she promptly replied that I was a dear friend to her (something like that). And I hated that word. "Friend". I wanted to be more than that, it's just a different meaning in a guy's perspective ya know?

At that point, I might have prolly screwed up as well. What? Me? Screwing up? Yes I did, because during her absence, another girl came along and boy does she has a bright smile. I got charmed by her like many guys did, but of course, it was just a silly puppy crush. And yes, I told Cherry about the girl which made her quite upset (I could tell lol) and that made her avoid me more than ever. By the time I realized the mistake, it was already too late. And hell broke lose between me, Jon and her again.

Great job, Abel. "Genius" ha!

But hey, at least I got a scar I can talk about.

Chapter three - The Gift

The one you love can give you the most strength,

Can also leave you at your weakest,

And the love that inspires you to go such length,

Can also bring you down to the blackest,

So as our gift too.

My gift of remembering vividly and expressing through words,

Is not something everyone can do,

Through various art forms, I can envision myself into many worlds,

Although imaginary, it feels wonderful,

But sometimes...unpleasant.

Day 40, April 29th

I dreamed a dream when I was still in high school,

And you were by my side, so perfect,

Together with no words spoken, the world we already ruled,

With you by my side, I will protect.

Then I suddenly dreamed I was in a grand prom,

Everyone was there, but you,

I searched endlessly for you so I roamed,

In the end, they danced but us two.

Day 51, May 10th

I dreamed from where I left off, I was in a metropolis,

People, people everywhere,

Still no sight of you, my peace continued to cease,

  No air no air, such nightmare.

Day 90, June 17th

I then dreamed where I finally got a house,

In a countryside, the green grassy plains,

 Beautiful, just like how you wanted.

  I also dreamed an earthquake roared as quiet as a mouse,

In an instant, I heard you shrieking in pain,

Terrified, I've never felt so daunted.

And before the dream ended from being aroused,

In my delusion, I failed to see you again,

Let down, the cracked holes left me taunted.

Day 110, July 7th

I had a dream with my friends in a singing room,

Together, we sang sorrow,

And out of nowhere, you appeared by my side.

Eye to eye, as if we were staring at the moon,

Together again, we refused to withdraw,

With you by my side, our lips then softly collide.

Thinking back, I've always wondered what your kiss meant,

It felt so real and full of life, as if like it was God sent.

But why did it feel that it was the last goodbye?

I know I won't get anywhere if I try to ask why,

Even if you see me cry with your very own eyes,

As I know that was the very last dream about you,

Same goes to this poem too...

The last poem I'm ever writing being a lovefool.

Closing - Distant Promise

The dreams and dates in the poem didn't happen on the same day, but the dates held significant occasions. And the dreams...I will always remember them, they have already been implanted into the core of my memories. As for the poem that I wrote above, it was something I experienced for 6 months or so, it all started somewhere at the first quarter of the new year and we somehow got in contact again. She had finished her internship and just started travelling around Malaysia too, together with her (overprotective) brother and his gf.

By then, Jon and I have already patched up our friendship again. At that time, I also withheld myself from falling for her and just treated her as a friend (since she saw me as one too). I closed myself as much as I could, but she pushed herself into my heart. For the first time, she actually had the courage to face her fear of getting hurt (she said I was too perfect for her, ha!). Eventually winning me over again by being honest with me, it was sort of a dream come true. There were a lot of moments, I even saved the chats and read them once in a blue moon.

It was magic every single day, I can still fondly remember like it was yesterday. Our past early mornings till the late evenings, the way we used to tell each other everything. We had our cheesy moments and stings, but that was what strengthen our bond and feelings. Despite a black wind took you away without letting me knowing why; I just want to thank you for everything we went through even though there were no goodbyes. I learn a lot about myself much better, I went through hell again to pick myself up again stronger. I learn to love again with you, and thank you for the love you returned too. You were the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, a painful blessing is what you were to me.

I was actually kinda depressed after you were gone, or rather enervated. I have already come to accept the fact and fate that I will probably never be able to meet the girl of my dreams ever again. I didn't eat well, I didn't sleep well, I didn't even have any motivation to game, I felt...powerless. It was a heavy blow to me and uncalled for, and a really destructive one too. I even banned my friends from speaking anything of her ever again for two months. Even after that two months, being able to say her name again back then was not even the beginning of recovering; it was only after two years that I was able to listen to Lifehouse's You and Me song comfortably again.

Question - Have you ever wondered what would happen to a person if one's religion 

(like…say Christianity) was proven to be a big fat lie all along? 

Faithless? Stumble? Broken? I leave that to your pondering.

For one to believe there's a God that can't be seen and heard easily, it really takes an extremely high level of faith to do so. I had the faith of she and I will be together, and I know it's not fair to compare the both of them in such context. But the concept is there.

She was my inspiration and strength to look forward to a new day every day without fail. She brought the best out of me. She made me believe that I can do anything. She made me believe that I can rule the world, as long as She was by my side.

Even her imperfect human nature and flaws, I learned to embrace them too.

Like any ex, I used to occasionally scroll through her FB wall, there were some mixed feelings. Anger, confusion, but also happy at the same time. I also actually planned to burn the Orange Project (her favourite colour, now you know why); because I just wanted to see the "world" burn. But the moment I dug out the notebook…I just stared at it.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it because I knew like before, deleting every trace of her won't work. I was so close to set my most priceless gift on fire, which carries my utmost sincere feelings. So…I put it back.

Thinking back of one of the nights in Chapter 1, when you asked me if I liked you or not. That was the very same night that I played "Wish You Were Here" cover by Avril on Skype. When you asked me that, I really really wanted to tell you how I felt. But I didn't. I didn't because I wanted to do it sincerely in person instead of doing it online. Online confession is for pussies.

I don't know if you still remember this, but I hope you do. When I asked you about what was your favourite song, you said you have none. I asked you that question because I wanted to have a song to hum about when I go home and think about you. Since you didn't have any favourite song, I decided to use my favourite song then. Actually, my favourite song used to be Goo Goo Dolls - Iris, but I changed it because 99% of the lyrics is exactly how I felt about you.

I was going to tell you all this during the confession night, in City Fan by the lake and had some fireworks (well...ok I thought about it lol) ready to make it meaningful and memorable for you.

I honestly wish this post have a happier ending, I really do. Anyway, as promised, I have fulfilled your wish of writing a post about you. So "Cherry" Y., I truly wish you all the best in what God has in stored for you in this life, and I hope you've learned to conquer your fear of attachment too. All I ever wanted was your happiness, even if I'm not part of it.

Perhaps somewhere in Melbourne or NZ, you might have hoped that you're not the only one who looks back on those days with happiness. There's more to remember than hatred and regret. But of course, this is me, thinking that you should think that.

Perhaps it's no mystery either, that you're just a phantom, a fragment of my mind that I have lost. Our love died a long time ago. But even so...more so...I can tell you what you were really feeling. The real emotion that is locked away at the bottom of your heart. Let it fly out, let it guide you. Live.

I think it's my job to tell you that, that is why I republished this post.

So this post for you is the last one, once you've finished reading this, you're one phantom that has been gone for good. My feelings, your words, have joined the silt on the ocean floor. But do not forget. As long as you remember me, I will always live within you.

Not as a phantom, but as a part of your heart, and mine too, you will always be.

So, this is how exactly it finishes. Goodbye :)

And that was how I never met her.

The End

Ninie:

"Make a story about the ending of this horror,

with all of us as the main character"

"Ok, sure." said Abel.

Then right after that, 

The lights went out on his last message,

Blind as a bat,

She switched on her phone's flashlight for passage,

And navigated her way out...then like a typical horror movie,

Something ran across outside her door swiftly,

Was it a cat? 

She wondered...and felt it was quite creepy.

"Woof woof" Loki barked,

Strange...her dog rarely barks even at strangers,

"Ring ring" her phone rang,

Oh supi? It was her friend calling her,

"GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW" she shouted,

Supi...? Ninie of course startled,

"THERE'S NO TIME, JUST DO IT"

Confused with cold feet,

How does she expect her to overcome such deed?

But indeed she does need to heed,

And flee from this odd situation.

Wait a minute...Loki stopped barking,

She peeked out her window but nothing,

As if the whole neighbourhood was in a blackout,

But it was too dark for one without a doubt.

For some reason the more she stared,

The more uncomfortable she got,

Something's amiss..she was getting scared,

Using her phone to light through the blot,

She then realized the darkness..it was not,

But long strains of black hair...from above,

Upon realizing this she slowly tilt her head upwards,

Shaking with chills down her spine what's her body doing?

Her breathing began to intensify yet she kept going,

Until her flashlight shined at a pale forehead facing forward.

Ninie screamed and dropped her phone on the floor, 

She ran straight back to her room shutting the door,

Hiding herself under the blanket whimpering "no more",

What could get any worst than that? A sudden downpour. 

"Ring ring" her phone rang, 

Hold on...didn't she dropped her phone in the living room?

How can it be right here in her own hand?

Dup dup...dup dup...she hoped it will end soon,

She's too frighten of what's happening now, 

What was that? Where's Loki? Why did Supi call? Was that a skull?

"Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring..."

"GO AWAY" after Ninie picked it up,

"Ninie! We're coming to get you so hang on!"

Ivay? It has to be her, Ninie recognized her voice, 

"Ivay pls pls pls pls hurryyyy" Finally something to rejoice,

A sigh of relief she can rest a little bit easier,

And as a general rule of thumb for the night of terror, 

The phone ran out of juice..what a bummer.

"NO! NOT NOW. DAMN IT." Ninie pled,

Her hope now hanging on a thread, 

She has no choice now but to wait, 

And pray that they won't be late.

"Ring ring, ring ring" Wait...what?

Ninie didn't hesitate though

"Ivay?! Hello? Supi??"

"Hello Ninie, how do you like the story so far?"

"...huh?"

"I said, how do you like the story so far?"

"..Abel? ABEL! What do you mean??"

"Hush now, don't be so loud. It can hear you, hehe hehe"

"DAMN YOU! This is not FUNNY!!"

"Alright, gotta finish the story. Laters."

"Beep beep, beep beep"

Ninie's friends were already outside her house, 

She quickly dashed out of there like a mouse, 

And like any female running in fright of the unknown, 

She fell down on her own,

The girls were shouting at her to be quick,

And got up she did in a flick,

Into the car as if they have just robbed a bank,

Unbeknownst to the girls while getting away,

Ninie caught a limping figure at the rear view mirror, 

Dressed in white with long black hair and hollow in gray,

The creature abnormally teetered closer and faster,

Oh the anxiety...a nightmare worst than the doll from Child's Play.

The next thing Ninie could remember was pitch black, 

"Where...am I?" she wondered feeling some pain on her back,

"Ninie?" a voice? Who? She slowly opened her eyes,

"Ninie you're alright!" Lynda hugging her so tight,

"Lynda? I thought...where am I?" 

"You're in a hospital, we found you in the car last night

with Supi and Ivay but don't worry they're alright!"

Ninie looked around and saw the girls sleeping soundly on their bed,

With some minor injuries, there's still some migraine in her head.

"So how did you like the story?" Lynda asked,

Ninie's eyes widen and looked at her "Wha-what?"

"I said, how did you like the story?" 

Lynda now looks weird like she's wearing a smiley mask,

Ninie's mind is telling her "Run, run!" but her body doesn't have the guts,

"Well?" Lynda repeated again getting more eerie,

"No...it was Abel, Abel did this! That jerk!"

"..."

"I'm telling you, he-he did all this! He-"

"...such a disobedient child."

"No...no!"

"And disobedient children must be punished."

Lynda stood up and grabbed her arm,

Dragging her effortlessly on the tiles,

Ninie tried to free herself but she was too weak,

Could it be that Abel and her were working together all this while?

"Please, Lynda let me go. please..." begged Ninie with such meek, 

Ninie's squirming couldn't wake her friends up either, 

Lynda's strength was too much and it didn't seem to matter, 

The black tag clip on her wrist was hurting her too,

Wait...what's that black tag? She took a closer look,

And what she saw made her freeze turning blue,

"Dead on arrival" is what she read,

Lynda was wearing it too, and so were Supi and Ivay, 

"Hush now, child. He will now see you."

They were already at the elevator and it opened,

In there stood a person in a black rugged garment,

The face was covered, holding a brown book and a quill,

 A grim reaper in the flesh itself? Is this for real?

As Lynda dragged her inside the lift,

The figure's shadowed face suddenly shift,

"The...end." he mumbled while scribbling it down,

Ninie wailed but to no avail,
For the closing door have silenced her sound.

The Farewell

Hi all,

As some of you may know or not, today is my last day in SOP,

I thought of saying a simple goodbye to y'all but that's not me,
Instead of the typical thanks-for-everything and sorry, that's no fun,
Cause I like to be different so here I go writing you a special one.

For the newbies here who don't know me, hi there!
I used to take pics and write them newsletters, those were the memories SOP shared,

Check out the SOP Family history in the pic server, no memories were spared,
Please do continue to support the PR Unit on their events, not just stop and stare,
They work hard for your reward and viewing pleasure, show your love and care!

To my friends and colleagues, there there don't be sad,
We went through a lot didn't we? The ups and downs we had,

I know sometimes I didn't perform well, I sincerely apologize when you were mad,

But we patched up together, and I learn what I'm capable of too. That, I'm glad.

I hope I'm not taking too much of your time, but just hear me out a little while,

Though I'm excited to look forward to a new career, but I'll miss all your warm smiles,

As per SOP's tradition, I hope your family values for each other never go out of style,

Ok I think that's enough from me, so get back to work! (haha) and so long for now!

Bye all,

Abel Wong

The Introvert

There was a song that I heard in 1998,

It sings "And I don't want the world to see me,

Cause I don't think that they'd understand,"

Didn't really get it cause I was just a kid,

So I let it slid and by the time I did,

I wondered if it was too late to deflate,

the state of past hate that I've eaten on the plates,

And to put off the weight that was on my shoulders,

What do you think, fate?

I think you may or may not know that I'm an introverted person,

It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the outdoors though but over the seasons,

I've always preferred indoors after a day's work before my energy worsens,

I'm soft spoken as well but I will fight for what I believe in with reason,

Idealistic I am, my imaginations can come to life if given enough conviction,

Illuminating my visions of poetries like this or fan-fictions are my addiction,

In other words, the term "once a dreamer, always a dreamer" is the definite depiction.

Nothing really stops me when I'm decisive and strong-willed, 

Never for personal gain so why would I destroy something I build?

Needless to say, I do exhaust myself heavily if the task is unfulfilled, 

Nursing myself back alone is necessary to recharge before my soul peels,

Never mind me for my sudden retreat, my focus and goal are still instilled, 

Nauseated? Naw, but just don't put me back in corporate again I'll be killed. 

Finding the one hasn't really been easy for me either, 

For I don't really fancy casual hook ups and being a faker,

"Freak." they thought, yes I'm perfectionistic picky chooser, 

Forgive me for preferring a bond made of sincerity that endeavors, 

Facades and faults, I will embrace them openly and be your lover,      

Forget the feelings, it's the little moments that we should live for forever, 

Fall into my arms and let me fathom at your eyes as if they're made of amber. 

Just in case you've wondered why I don't talk much, 

Justifying who I am to you is not something I'd rush, 

Joining your small talks won't do, I'd just feel out of touch, 

Jazz Festival ain't my jam too, I'm sorry it just isn't my buzz, 

Jewelries are deceptive tools, I don't really care for such 'lux', 

Jealousy is not what I'd try to fool, it's too dangerous for us, 

Jolt me too much with your rules, that'll be the end of my trust.

Am I complicating myself too much? Perhaps I am, 

We make less than 1% of the population, like infinity gems, 

We are among the crowd, but aren't like the rest of them, 

But if you happen to be the lamp that fits our compatibility,

In time, you'll see what lies beneath the skin of me,

And it's not that so you'd get to understand my personality, 

It's because I'm looking for someone to grow in tandem,

Everyone needs a supporter from behind, loyal unlike Gollum, 

I can be your diplomat, I listen deeply with great warmth,

I can be your advocate, encouraging your growth to go forth,

It's the sort of friendship that transcends time over any oath. 

I still don't want the world to see me though,

Cause I don't need daily attention or to show, 

But I'm gonna be around just so you know, 

Whenever you need me, I'll be there for you high and low.

The Better You

As the new year approaches, 

We get excited making new year resolutions,

But after a period we then lose our execution, 

Why is this? Are we in a devolution?

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity. 

To seize everything you ever wanted, one moment. 

Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?

Time waits for no one as proven in this year's tragedies, 

like a thief in the night it can strike when you're not ready,

So don't wait for another day and put it on the line, 

Not doing anything productive is a crime, 

For everyone is given the same amount of time.

A new year is indeed a new start, 

But you're mistaken if it also means a new you, 

Instead, be a better you, 

Because you will always be better than yesterday's you, 

You can if your heart and mind wants to,

We can't reload our save point to start anew, 

A new you is a silly phrase and it's not the answer, 

Since we are already here why not be better?

My friends, we all have gone through our ups and downs. 

And it's in our human nature we tend to remember the bad more, 

Which explains why we can't seem to get up from the ground, 

My friends, we fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up from the floor.

Yes the world is cruel, 

But that does not mean we should let it rule,

So don't let yourself down too much, 

We are not alone in this, yes you and me, 

2014 will soon be just another memory, 

So be brave and bold, 

Not cowardly and cold,

In a few more hours, 

Tonight's the night the world begins again and better days will come. 

And it starts with you, a better you.

Happy New Year :)

The Jar

They say a heart is the size of our fist,

But an adult's one is as twice as that,

So what does that have to do with this?

They say this is a calming glitter jar,

Used for all ages, it soothes one's troubling thoughts,

You can start off by shaking it with a rawr.

Can you see it? The glitters are flowing of stars,

Altogether making it look like swirling galaxies,

It might help too if you have the song "Chasing Cars".

I know you will eventually be alright,

But I don't want you to fight it alone,

Hence the jar, so that "I" can be with you through the night.

This jar also represents my heart, 

Keep it safe and one day I'll show you the stardust above,

And like the stardusts above, hope we will never be apart.

The Commencement

So here I am at midnight,

Trying to think of what to write,

Actually I was suppose to do this hours ago,

But procrastination got the best of me,

And every second passing is making me sleepy.

So...congrats for graduating!

Isn't it one of the best feelings?

No more classes and plenty of rest,

But life isn't done giving you tests.

What does the future hold?

No one is certain for sure,

But it's either you sit back or be bold,

Coz there's a diff between a woman and a girl.

Don't be anxious about the future too much,

Even the most interesting people that I know,

Who are in their 60's still don't know,

Even though they have all the money,

Time got cruel to their knees,

And then succumbed into mid life crisis, scary.

I don't think I'm in the position,

To tell you what you should do about your life,

Because it's your life,

You're the director, the script writer, and the actor,

(or actress in you're a girl lol)

And I'm merely just a fan in the audience,

But I won't mind being your guidance,

Share I will with my working experience.

The race is a long winding road,

And it's not really about the end or the start,

It's the journey,

Sure there's no save point to reload,

A perfect alibi to protect your heart,

Though is that necessary?

Cause you know as the saying goes,

There's no gain without pain.

I guess that's enough from me,

I should really go to sleep,

Consider this as your graduation gift,

Not sure if it can give you a lift,

But I hope it's something you can keep,

Who knows? One day you'd be able to take the leap.

The Untitled Carol

Part 1

"Goodnight dearest." she said as she lay beside me,

Light switched off with my eyes just staring at the black ceiling, 

Time sure flies when insomnia's singing,

And by the time my eyes are finally closing,

My little baby girl started crying,

I looked at her and she was sleeping so peacefully,

I then got up and went to check on my little darling.

As the shadows fell back in the morning,

I went downstairs to have my breakfast,

And there she was in the kitchen preparing,

Dancing to a song playing on the radio,

The babysitter came early too and I let her in,

"Good morning! How is my little pudding~",

She excitedly passed by her and I,

And I resumed back on my cup sipping.

"Did you sleep well honey? <3" she asked,

I didn't reply as I was still chewing,

"She grows up fast doesn't she?

Sigh~ by the time you know it,

first baby steps…first baby words, bit by bit,

then all of a sudden, she learns to shout,

or she might become a girl scout,

and bam she's moving out,

you know…I hope that she'll-"

"Shut up."

…

I then walked out of the house and into the car,
Realizing I'm losing of what's fantasy and real,
This illusion of progress is all I can feel,  

For her presence lingers beneath my skin still,

From my rear-view mirror, clearly I can see her,
Smiling and waving, I wish I could do the same to you too girl,
But I can't anymore…for you are no longer part of this world.


Part II

"Where am I now?" I looked around and saw my employees,
"Oh right…now is a meeting." I snapped back to reality,
"Good morning, everyone! I can't wait to let you all see,
of our new theme for our next product line which is key!"
said Pride.
 As he proudly presented his presentation,
Seven colored rings were shown on the slides,
"We are targeting the young and happening market segment,
As you can see these fancy rings, 
They are following the colours of the rainbow!
With each name based on the seven deadly sins,
Don't worry, we're not naming them like the anger ring,
But it does sound opulent in Latin!" 

"Ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha…"
Fake laughters, fake laughters everywhere.

"Alright, now let me introduce you the names."
He proceeded to pronounce the rings' name steadily,
"First, we have Superbia, Avaritia, Luxuria, Invidia, Gula, Ira 
and…finally," 
He took a deep breath before finishing proudly,
"...Acedia. Thank you."

Employees around then gave him an applause,
"So what do you think, boss?"
asked Pride, with the ovation on pause,

"It's stupid."

…

"Are we trying to sell to rebellious 16 year olds?"
The one with the deep pockets are aged 40 & above!
Did anyone do any research at all?!"

…

"This is a terrible idea for our Christmas promotion.
You can all forget your Christmas bonus." I continued.
"But but but, we all met our KPI's!" said Pride,
"And increment, now get-out."
With that, the atmosphere within the room died,
One by one, they all went to hide.

"Boss, I know you're having a very rough time lately,"
said Lust as she suddenly whispered near my ear,
"If there's anything I can do, call me maybe."
Before she went out of the door, she turned and smiled devilishly,
"Anything."

From my door, I can see Envy being envious of Lust.
I can tell beauty and glamour to her is a must,
On the other hand, Gluttony enslaved himself with junk food,
After such tense rant, I guess he just wanted to relieve his mood,
And Sloth slouching on his chair, can't tell if he's being lazy or subdued.

"I need to get out of here." I sank down on my chair,
Feeling myself gasping for air in this nightmare,
I looked around on my desk and saw a picture,
It was a picture of you on a swing that I took in that park,

Without any second thought, I got up quickly and left this box-shaped cark,
Before I get myself consumed and confused again by the dark.

Parthree

Do you remember, smiling one?
This was the very same spot where I took the pic for fun,
Because you were being like a kid on that swing,
   And didn't want to go back home that evening,
To even push that empty swing to replicate the moment,
I knew at that point I was on the edge of being broken,
So I went to lie down on a seesaw nearby,
Just to keep the waterfalls from flowing out of my eyes.

After some time, I wondered why the swing hasn't stopped yet,
I looked behind and surprised to see a kid on it,
So I got up on my feet and asked the kid,
"Hey kid, you're alone? Your mom's gonna be worried."
"I don't have a mom." she said without feeling harried.

…

For some reason, I had a short flashback of how she passed away.
Due to an unfortunate car accident, back in last May.

…

"She died years ago."
"Well, I'm sure your dad must be wondering where you are."
"My dad doesn't know and doesn't care, so don't worry.
He's never at home and when he is…he's always angry.
I don't like to be home, everything is amiss.
Why did it become like this,
…why do I even exist?"

…

Where am I now?
"So have you decided on her name?"
Yes, that's right…it was before my love gave birth then,
It was a bit eerie looking at myself with her and bam,
It was time for the little one to come out and man,
Never felt so excited and anxious at the same time.

Every second felt like a millennia in the hospital,
Whispering small prayers for her delivery success,
Little by little it helped me to calm down my stress,
"Mister-"
"How's she?!" I interrupted him before he could finish calling,
"The baby girl's fine and your wife's stabilizing.
Congratulations!"

Yes, that's right…now I remember,
For He knows the plans He has for me,
Plans to prosper me and not to harm me,
Plans to give me hope and a future.
That's the reason of her existence,
That should be my reason to go to the distance.

…

"So, are you now ready to let me go?"
I wanted to say no but I know I had enough so,
Without saying anything at all,
I smiled and just looked at her on that swing again,
To appreciate the moment that was coming to end,
And like in the movies, she spirited away with the wind,
Her voice also no longer lingers beneath my skin.

Inevitably, I will and still miss her,
Even so I'm still blessed with my little girl,
Like your mother and Him, you're as precious as a pearl,
Kerrigan, you too can bring faith, hope and love to the world.

Merry Christmas =)